That is, I caved and am memorizing most of the two-piano repertoire. I can't explain it, but this is what happens when I try to read and play:
1. I immediately understand the score if I'm just studying it, not trying to play it.
2. I immediately recognize patterns from the score on the keyboard, if I'm playing and not looking at the score, or if I'm looking at the score and not playing.
3. I lack the ability to combine the two. Period. The piano is a stranger when I'm trying to play while reading, but becomes instantly familiar and recognizable when I'm playing by memory.
So, trying to force myself to read and play at the same time has created a bottomless pit of frustration. And, yes, discouragement and depression. Finally, I "gave up" and started memorizing, and voila!
This sounds more than strange, I know, and I can't explain it. Dyslexia? Stupid Brain Syndrome? I have no idea.
But I can play the repertoire, now that it's off the page and in my head.
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