Hands Full of Notes

I have a studio recital soon, on which I'll be playing three Liszt concert etudes by memory.  And reading Secondo on several beginner student duets. Guess which of these I'm freaking out about?

Hint: It's not the Liszt.

I was playing the Secondo of a simple Schubert Marche with a student.  My thoughts went something like this:

"Bass clef both hands, bass clef both hands ... hands are unison, okay, got it ... which line am I on, I just lost the measure ... ears don't fail me now .... okay, back online, things sound good ... uh-oh, she's taking this a lot faster than last time, natural adrenaline and she practiced.  So now my eyeballs need to move faster, and my brain needs to think faster, and ...hey, wait, these notes on the page don't look right at all ... oh, dang it it that's the Primo part and I was supposed to turn the page.  Lost the right hand ... again ... hands are unison, remember?  Oh, dang it, hands just went backwards and I can't figure out which hand is supposed to be playing which rhythm ... hands are unison, REMEMBER!!! Go by the sound ... ears, take over for my eyes and feckless brain cells ... forget trying to keep up with the notes... I chord pattern ... V chord pattern ... uh-oh, a whole slew of notes and rhythms because we're approaching a cadence ... come on, dang it, I've only been reading through this thing every week since the beginning of the semester ...."

Sounds like a joke, right?  Unfortunately, I'm not kidding.  And this is a very simple C-Major Schubert duet Marche.  Basic I, IV, V, with an occasional minor thrown in.  ARGH.

I'm not sure knowing about my dyslexia is a good thing.  I used to work my butt off trying to improve my reading skills because I thought my deficiency was due to lack of practice.  Now that I've realized why I can't read at speed well enough to even fake it, I've had issues with wondering whether it's worth pursuing anymore.  Whether true or not, in my experience a pianist is only as good as his/her sight-reading ability.  Poor reading impacts everything from learning new pieces to expansion of repertoire to accompanying opportunities.  Any opportunties, for that matter.  While I might have the potential of playing with an ensemble, do I really want to expose my lack of reading skill, even when I've got the piece in my hands and off the page?  Referring to the page presents problems because the notated patterns look quite a bit different than the keyboard patterns, the latter which I see and understand just fine.

So while my hands are full of notes and my ears and my heart are full of music, my eyeballs and my brain are somewhere around Pluto and of no help whatsoever.